Melania Brescia

                                                                                     SEPTEMBER 2014   

21/09/2014

Leaves are falling, wind is wintrier.We, as the season, are getting colder.

Unfeeling… unmoved by everything around me. Only pillows in my head. No hopes, no dreams, no expectations anymore.

                                                                                     AUGUST 2014   

This is the story of my body.

I have always been a skinny girl, a very very skinny girl, but I was little, and didn’t care at all about what people thought about me. I was 15 when I used to go out with a little group of friends. There was this boy. It was a weird time for me so I wasn’t still interested in boys, but at some point someone in the group asked him what he thought about me, maybe thinking we could end up together as we were the only single ones in the group. His answer sometimes still sounds in my head… “she’s cute, but maybe, with a few more pounds”.

I couldn’t understand it. I never thought about my body, about how my clothes fit or about what I was eating, because I was eating perfectly, I was just skinny! But suddenly, boys didn’t like me!
Since then and until I was around 19 years old, I have tried at some points to eat more to gain weight, with no success, maybe because I didn’t try enough, or maybe because I really didn’t care. I was really ok with my body. I am a photographer and by this age I was showing my body everywhere with my selfportraits. It was just flesh.

But my body changed when I started my 20s. It started exactly when I traveled for the first time out of Spain. I went to London for a month, and I spent most of the time by myself with a very low budget. I didn’t think I was eating any different, some pasta, rice and some BK, like always! But when I got home I saw a difference, so I started for the first time in my life, to look at my body centimeter by centimeter.
I gained four kilograms (8 pounds) in 30 days, but the numbers weren’t my concern I was only 113, it was the stretch marks on my butt cheeks, my first ones; the pants that didn’t fit me like before; and the new flacidity on my thighs.

I felt terrible, because now I was a total adult, not just because of my age, but because I was worried and kinda obssesed with my body, like everybody else!!
I have always hated excercise, I am a sedentary person, so I went back to my normal weight in a few months just by eating correctly with my mum’s mediterranean diet.

After that I have traveled only one more time out of my country to the US. That was this same year. This time I gained five kilograms (11 pounds), and this time, it affected me more. It wasn’t just my legs a little bigger, it was my entire body, my arms, my boobs, and mostly, my belly. And for the first time I cried and chose carefully my clothes, because I didn’t like what I saw.
This time I tried, I excercised like I have never done it, and even tried to go on a diet. Even working out I have lost only 6 pounds out of those 11. I haven’t lost them without even noticing like the last time, this time they came to stay.

It’s been five months since I got back with a different size of pants. And you know what? I still have a little belly, you can see the flacidity on my legs like it’s cellulite, or maybe it is, I don’t even know. I am the kind of girl who doesn’t brush her hair or put creams at night, just some make up when I go out, of course I don’t know how cellulite should look like on me, and I DO NOT CARE. This is my body and I love it. Because, I see those pictures a few years ago when I was a skinny 18 year old girl who looked like 14 and I do like what I see, but now, I like what I see as well!! Because now I am a woman, I am supossed to change, and I am happy I am not a little girl with selfsteem problems, I am a woman who loves her butt, her stretch marks and her boobs. Because I’m not gonna get any other body in this life unless I lose all my money and selfsteem changing it just to live always under a mask society made me wear.
Skinny or fat, noone should make you feel bad, because you are a woman and that’s how you are supposed to look like.

If you want to excercise and diet, that’s great! If you don’t, that’s great too! But you should never give up the food you like, or wake up at 6 in the morning just to run because somebody else doesn’t like your beautiful natural flesh.

PS: So I bought a tiny bikini.

Mel.